the most ridiculous thing about living
is that childhood is its own eternity
and then suddenly you’re an adult. time
moves faster and faster and life is
sectioned off into sleeping eating working
blinking repeating. i forget what day
of the week it is. i can go into
a store and buy whatever they’ll let me
and whatever i have the money for.
nothing means anything but also
everything means something. i work so hard
and get paid almost nothing. i stare in
to space between customers and think of
being somewhere else. i just had a birthday
and i keep forgetting how old i am.
all i do is work and wait around.
all i do is want things i can’t have.
i often wish i was somewhere else,
i wish i was different. i feel trapped,
i don’t like it. for just a split second
in the scope of time i exist, and then
i’ll be gone. am i lucky to be here,
or am i cursed? why is living so hard?
more and more i think about the people
in my life i love and never see, never
make the time for. it brings me pain. i sit
and want and plan and don’t act and time keeps
moving. wasted minutes, years. the last
decade, vanished, gone forever. my youth
slipped through my fingers. i try my best not
to let it pull me down. i need to try
and live in the moment. i need to change
my life, it’s not going to change on its own.
i need to stop crying over this movie,
it ended over an hour ago.

From Lucy’s review of Synecdoche, New York – Letterboxd, 2019.